On Mother's Day 11 years ago, my friend Kelly started something on social media. Her mother passed away when Kelly was just 6 years old, and there wasn't a single clear photo of the two of them together. So she encouraged her mom friends to take photos with their kids. It was a really simple and special way to record memories. (Search #KTPhotoForMum to see some lovely shared posts.)
We have no shortage of photos in our home — who knows, this was the age of smart phones — but my favorite collection is my Mother's Day photo album, which has brought me special joy every time I see my daughter on this day for the past 11 years.
But there's another emotion I want to acknowledge, and that's how proud I am. Of course I'm proud of her. She's an amazing person (forgive me for being biased). But I'm talking about my feelings as a mother living with diabetes, because being pregnant and raising a child with diabetes is not easy.
I struggle with this sometimes. I don't want to be defined by being someone's mother. I accomplished a lot before I became a mother, and I've accomplished a lot in the past (almost) 20 years that I'm very proud of: traveling, working, working in media, writing a lot, and being onstage at diabetes advocacy events. These are the things I usually point to when thinking about my accomplishments. For some reason, pointing to motherhood as an achievement has always felt like it diminishes me.
But the truth is Mothers with diabetes Being pregnant, nurturing a baby, bringing it into the world, and raising it to adulthood is a huge honor, because diabetes made it so difficult, every step of the way.
While I understand that pregnancy is natural and has always been the case, and that there are countless people who have been pregnant for hundreds of millions of years, taking on the role of a human organ is anything but natural. Seriously! It's hard no matter how well you do it. Being pregnant adds challenges that you can't understand until you're in the thick of it. It's still not easy, even today, when we have access to tools far more sophisticated than the basic pump I used while pregnant. (And I fully recognize how lucky I was to have had a pump back then. The non-pumping women sitting next to me in the Diabetes and Pregnancy Clinic at Women's Hospital on Wednesday morning were nothing short of magical.)
At the time, I was so busy dealing with all the challenges that come with a pregnancy complicated by diabetes that I never thought about what a great job I was doing just getting through it. After all, when was I supposed to encourage myself for that incredible effort? Before or after checking my finger pricking 20+ times each day (we didn't have CGMs back then), or in tandem with the complex math that needed to be completed before pre-volumizing the right amount of insulin at the exact right time? I would never have been encouraged during the 30 percent of the days when I was below my target, because in that moment I was too busy worrying about my brain (and baby) not getting enough oxygen.
And then after she was born, there was no time, because the baby takes over everything, every moment of the day, and then diabetes also takes over everything and is incredibly demanding.
I was so worried about whether my baby's elbow was developing properly and that my blood sugar levels being out of range would negatively impact his developing organs that I had no time to cheer for myself. Guilt took up all my available brain space because I never felt like I wasn't trying hard enough. I felt like maybe I was already letting my child down. My baby's elbow was beautiful (and his organs looked fine) and I still feel guilty. Even now, nearly 20 years later.
Lately, more and more people with diabetes have been sharing their pregnancy and parenting stories, and I am really cheering for them. Every time I hear about the chaotic hypoglycemia in early pregnancy, the cravings and blood sugar management in the second trimester, or the frustrations of insulin resistance in the third trimester, I know they deserve a big “Yay!” and I cheer for them. Because look at these amazing people! Look at what they do; the work, the rollercoaster of emotions, the dogged effort they put in to keep themselves and their babies safe! Diabetes is never easy, and for many, pregnancy is the most difficult time of a diabetic's life.
Yesterday morning, I looked at my daughter while having my Mother's Day breakfast in the sun. Giving birth to my daughter was the hardest thing I've ever done. The hardest, the most emotionally challenging, the most terrifying thing. But it was also the best thing and I'm so proud that I did it.
This post is dedicated to my dear friend Kati, who I cheer for every day.